Wait…what? Is that a typo? Nope! This a simple way to turn a teaching moment into a learning moment without having to do any teaching at all. This method can increase problem solving skills, boost confidence, and increase communication and critical thinking if you do it correctly. Are you ready for this?
To start, what is teaching?
Let’s go with the simple definition of imparting one’s knowledge onto another, for the purposes of this little article. Yes, we could go deeply into the art of pedagogy and I am certain that my colleagues and I from my Master’s in Education could provide pages of definitions, but I want to keep it simple here.
Given that, how do you teach without teaching? That seems counterintuitive.
Simple: instead of giving an answer, ask a question. I know, mind blown right!? It’s that easy.
When something comes up as a teachable moment, instead of saying no or saying what one could do, try simply asking a question.
Don’t get me wrong, I love a “no” turned into a “yes” (here is another blog I have on how to say yes more often). This is a great addition to your tool box.
How can I develop the skill to teach without teaching?
The first step of getting this skill down is to turn your no’s into as many yes’s as possible.
There are a lot of ways to say no. You can say no, nuh-uh, nope, never, stop that, leave me alone, go away, and so many more.
No in and of itself doesn’t teach problem solving or an alternative behavior. The first step we often teach parents is to switch their no to a yes:
- Instead of “No jumping on the couch!” we can say “We are going to sit on the couch or jump outside.”
- Instead of “Don’t eat that!” we can say “Rocks are for holding, out of mouth please.”
- Instead of “Leave me alone for 2 seconds or so help me…” we can say “This is mommy’s time to be alone and it’s your time to play.”
Now that you have that down and have provided TONS of examples of what a child can do as an alternative to a less-than-stellar choice, you can start to give them a leading question to help them find their own answer. That can look like:
- Instead of “No jumping on the couch!” we can say “Where can you go if you want to jump?”
- Instead of “Don’t eat that!” we can say “What do you think is a good way to play with that little rock?”
- Instead of “Leave me alone for 2 seconds or so help me…” we can say “Mommy is getting into the bath, what are you going to do while I’m having my alone time?”
How can this go wrong?
I remember as a child the utter shame I would feel when this technique was used as a threat or as a way to show me what a bad choice I was making. It was so icky and made me avoid the situation in general in the future. I see kids I work with fall into this same pattern. Here are some things to avoid (but don’t worry, you don’t have to be perfect):
(1) The “You should be ashamed” tone
(2) The eyebrow of doom
You know the tone. It’s the one that comes along with “What do you think YOU are doing?” Think disappointed Snape from the Harry Potter movies. You may miss the learning mark if you fall into that (or a similarly disappointed) tone. All else fails, aim for a neutral tone.
I am very prone to this and have to mind my face constantly! This eye brow is often paired with the tone and can be seen in the discerning librarian stereotype. Nothing says “I’m about to teach you a lesson” more than the single eye brow lift. Hello fear, goodbye self-lead learning. If you can keep your face welcoming and soft, you are rocking it.
(3) Guard stance
You know the stance that the guards in Disney movies take? That crossed arms, puffed chest look? That communicates blocking, not teaching. If you can get to eye level and keep things loose, that is great.
What can I do if I want some support learning this skill?
Scheduling a free Discovery Call with me is a great way to talk through different skills you would like to develop and to see if we are the right fit for helping you reach your goals. If not, I have a TON of referrals I can give you and I am more than happy to share!
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