All parents know that every child is different but what do you do when the needs of different kids in the same family vary wildly? One child may be developing typically and another may have a disability or different support needs. That’s when parents ask how do we talk about this, especially with younger siblings?
This question has come up in my practice in a few ways including:
- My younger child is noticing that my older child has a lot more on their schedule (like specialist appointments and therapeutic activities) and they are expressing that they feel left out
- My younger child is surpassing my older child in certain skills
- My younger child is asking about differences they are seeing between themselves and their sibling
Parents have expressed that they are concerned about how to talk through this subject in a respectful and age appropriate way. I reached into my past experience and out to a number of experts to help provide some guidance.
First thing to consider: Types of disabilities
If your child has a visible or apparent disability (such as if they are blind and use a cane), this conversation may come up sooner and be easier to address. Your younger child may accept immediately that everyone is different and your older child may lead exploring what this means to them and how it may effect their sibling.
If your child has a less visible, hidden, or non-apparent disability (more information on that here and here), this may be a more nuanced conversation. Your younger child (like many people in the world) may not recognize that their sibling has different support needs than they do and they may have trouble understanding or empathizing with their sibling in difficult moments.
Second thing to consider: When?
If you are completely uncertain when to start, start now and talk about different types of disabilities and how differences make our society beautiful and strong.
This will help you feel more comfortable talking about the subject. As well, by focusing on all differences and the worthiness of everyone regardless of how similar or different they are from ourselves, your child is primed to be accepting and empathetic as they learn about their sibling’s disability.
Some of the professionals I spoke with suggested starting a conversation about the older child’s disability when they start to have questions or make comments about differences they notice. Others suggested talking as soon as possible and having your disabled child involved in the conversation as much as they would like to be (this may help them feel more comfortable). I tend to be in the latter group because it gets ahead of possible assumptions and allows for your child to prepare and speak for themselves wherever possible.
Third thing to consider: How?
Let’s say that your older child has anxiety (like in this article) and a learning disability to leads them to have trouble regulating their emotions. This may be difficult for your younger child to understand. Questions that may come up include:
- Why do they get to go to that kind of therapy and I don’t?
- Why do they yell so much?
- Why are they acting differently?
- Why aren’t they coming to my special event when I go to theirs?
When questions arise, the advice from all of the professionals I consulted follows the same theme: be honest, have your older child involved as much as they are comfortable, and answer at a developmentally appropriate level.
Younger kids may need short conversations with honest answers and quick redirections (Your sibling has anxiety and sometimes they feel big feelings when things change. When do you feel big feelings?) while older kids can handle more in-depth conversations. Either way, the conversation or questions may lead a direction that you don’t expect and if you need time to think or find more resources, it’s okay to let them know you will get back to them.
Last consideration: Make sure they know first
If no questions have come up but you think it’s time to talk, start by educating your older child first: do they know about their diagnosis or disability? What you want to avoid is telling your younger child things about your older child that they themselves do not know or that they are not comfortable sharing. They may want to lead the conversation with their sibling or want to know what you are telling them before you do: keep them involved as much as they are comfortable.
Do you want to talk it out?
I get it, nuanced conversations with such an open end can be daunting. If you need someone to talk it through, schedule a Free Discovery Call with me: I’m happy to help however I can.