Here is the scene: it’s time for your child to do something. Something they know how to do. Something that they can clearly do on their own. Something that there is no reason why any other person could be needed to complete this task. And despite all of this, you are confronted with a cacophony of protests, requests, and complaints:
“I can’t doooooo iiiiiiiit!”
“I need heeeeeelp!”
“It’s too haaaaaaaard!”
It may be infuriating, frustrating, or even crushing to hear these cries, especially when you know your child is in fact capable of independently completing the task on their own. Let’s talk about those times when your kids ask for help when they don’t need it.
What do you mean by “they don’t need help”?
First things first: I never want to discourage a child from asking for help. This is an amazing skill that includes elements of self-advocacy and self-respect along with strong communication and problem solving. What I do want to discourage is the whining, I-can’t-do-it, flop of the floor sort of reactions.
Know that throughout this article, I will talk about “asking for help when kids don’t need it” as short hand for whining for assistance when it is known that they have the skill needed to complete the task on their own. This does NOT mean that they don’t need another form of help. In fact, that is the focus of the article: that something else is at play. With that in mind, let’s proceed!
1) Check for a setting event
A setting event may be the reason your kid is asking for help when they don’t need it. This example comes from a conversation I had with a parent in our Coaching program recently. Our Custom Coaching program focuses on providing you all of the support you need to make positive changes in your household and with your child’s behavior.
They brought up that their child was asking for help to do something they have done thousands of times before on their own. Why on earth would they need help now? Are they just trying to be pushy, in charge, or a pain? To mess with me? To cause trouble and take up my time?
In this case, the child was clearly tired. Being tired is what we in ABA call a “setting event” or an event that changes how we normally react and relate to others and our environment.
Imagine yourself when you are tired: are you up to your normal snuff? Probably not. If you know that your child is tired, you may want to give them a little more leeway. Yes, they have the skill, but in this moment they do not have full capacity to act on that skill.
One thing you can do is recognize that a setting event is upon you and offer help before the whining starts: that’s a super proactive solution!
Here are some other common setting events that may be affecting your child and cause them to ask for help when they don’t need it:
- Feeling tired
- Being hungry
- Needing to go to the bathroom (especially constipation!)
- Having been told no to a number of things earlier in the day
- They just had a breakup or a fight with a friend
- Being ill or otherwise not feeling well (allergies, tummy ache, stuffy nose, etc.)
- Major changes or transitions in the family
2) Check for an unmet need
Let’s look at this using three of the four functions of behavior: attention, escape, and tangible and how they relate to when your child asks for help when they don’t need it. (Note: the fourth function of behavior is automatic, meaning a sensory or internal need is met, which could flow through all of these examples.)
As well, multiple functions can be at play and make things complex. This is why we do assessments before starting services: to make sure we fully understand all of the functions at play.
How attention affects kids asking for help when they don’t need it
Simple and to the point: your child likes you and wants to spend time with you. They may be asking for help to spend some time with you or to interact with you.
- Try: asking them if they want to spend time with you. If they say yes, plan what you will do together when they are done with the task.
How escape affects kids asking for help when they don’t need it
Escape means to get out of, delay, or otherwise stop something that you don’t like or don’t want to do. It isn’t a far stretch to see how kids ask for help when they don’t need it as a way to escape the task.
- Try: Helping them choose how to work through the difficult task by setting up breaks, creating a better working environment (music often helps!), or talking it through. It’s better for them to delay, work through it, and get it done than to give up or be pushed so hard they avoid it even more next time.
How tangibles affect kids asking for help when they don’t need it
Tangibles are all of those awesome things that we love in the world, the things we can hold and interact with like blocks, balls, tablets, phones, snacks, and markers. Asking for help may allow us to continue to interact with these items while we work or get us back to them faster.
- Try: talking about what they would like to be doing instead. Sometimes that acknowledgement of “man, you’re right it would be more fun to be on the computer right now” is enough to get the job done.
3) Check for true fluency
When you are fluent in something, you have it down pat. Are you 100% sure they have this task down and are completely fluent? They may have most of the pieces down, but do they have them all? They may be asking for help when they don’t need it because… they actually do need it.
If you are not certain, check out our blog on creating the best checklists for teaching. This article will help you break down the task and make sure that they truly have all of the skills they need to complete it.
As a part of this process, make sure that they have everything they need to complete the task and that they can access it. For example, if they are to do dishes, do they have dish soap? Can they reach it? Are they strong enough to squeeze it?
Conclusion
There are lots of reasons kids ask for help when they don’t need it. And most of them are good reasons.
If we take a moment to get ahead of the whine or to figure out where it is coming from, we can save ourselves a lot of headaches and help them communicate their needs.
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